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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 71
The Mafia Gazette Issue 71 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Wednesday 4th January 'THE NEW YEAR'S NIGHT MASSACRE ' Early morning, January 2nd, revellers filled the street of Los Angeles, still celebrating the New Year. BulletCirrhosis was celebrating too. He had just gotten a gun and was anxious to test it. FrankieFigs just happened to stumble out of a bar onto the street just as Bullet turned the corner. Seconds later Frankie was dead. Fats_Domino lay dead soon afterwards. Bullet then opened up on The Coochie_Monster, a Street Boss from LA. Dante_Gabossi, a member of the organization, LVC, came to The Coochie_Monster’s aid, as did Powerslide_Jr., a high ranker within LVC. Apparently LVC had an alliance with ASDA and were carrying out their end of the agreement. After a fierce gun battle, The Coochie_Monster lay dead. Cirrhosis had proven he could kill a street boss, but he wanted more. He then targeted JillSinclair, a Vegas Made Women. She suffered a major wound, was sentence to two hours in jail. Not long afterwards the jail was cleared and Jill escaped to Vegas. Kiss_This walked out of her house to greet well-wishers and members of her newly formed LA Alliance. Mr. Cirrhosis could not be more elated. He opened up on her. There was a brief gunfight. Kiss_This was rushed into her bullet-proof limo and taken to the airport where a waiting jet took her to Las Vegas. This reporter received notes from a phone conversation involving Powerslide and MadDog. “Dog, one of your guys is shooting up LA. Just took some shots at Kiss_This.” MadDog informed Powerslide that Cirrhosis was supposed to be shooting thug to test his new gun, not firing on the Made Men/Women of our community. MadDog advised Powerslide to treat Cirrhosis as a rogue. Meanwhile MadDog tried to reason with Cirrhosis and bring an end to the senseless violence. Cirrhosis said he was just settling old debts and was adamant in the fact that the only way to stop him was to kill him. Meanwhile Cirrhosis followed Kiss_This to Vegas as did the LVC. Dante, Powerslide and x_xGhostx_x lay dead. This reporter isn’t sure if Dante died in LA or Vegas. Cirrhosis opened fired on Kiss_This again and while returning fire, Kiss_This was gunned down by one of Cirrhosis’ many bodyguards. ASDA swarmed Los Vegas. BulletCirrhosis was now the most targeted man on the streets. More people died as a result of his gun or bodyguards. In all thirteen victims were killed before a bodyguard belonging to Full Metal Jacket brought Cirrhosis down. The New Year Night Massacre was over. Fourteen Mafioso including Cirrhosis laid dead. Numerous bodyguards were also killed. The New Year started out bloody. Let’s hope this isn’t an omen for what lies in store for us throughout the rest of the year. 'CARING OR WAREHOUSING? ' By: Constanzia_Corleone After a few long strolls through the major cities in the country, this reported has been appalled by the number of our seniors sitting in the cold with out proper clothing, the huge attendance at the different soup and bread lines, and those trying to sell their precious family items to obtain cash to survive. The sadness of these scenes troubled me for days until I decided to try and help at least one senior gain safe, clean, and affordable housing as well as nutritious food and clean drinking water. Posing as a senior, I attempted to find an apartment that would be in the price range of a senor with little income. There were very few that could be obtained and maintained with the meager amount a senior is forced to live on. The best apartment I could find consisted of one room with a shared bathroom. The all of the surfaces were filthy, the walls and ceiling paint was chipping in large sections. The small refrigerator temperature was at the highest level and was just barely cold. The freezer inside wasn’t even close to freezing. The tiny stove didn’t work, so a hot plate was provided, but it only managed to get hot enough to warm my hands. The bed in the middle of the floor was absolutely disgusting. The bedding provided appeared to have come with the bed and building when it was first built. The shared bathroom was a nightmare. The dirt, mold, mildew, and missed targets made me so nauseas I had to return to the room and vomit. The water trickling out of the faucets was discolored and foul smelling. Once the rent was paid, the remaining amount of cash would have to pay for utilities, food, and non-food necessary items. The utilities included gas and electric, which had to be paid to maintain the so-called appliances. No matter which way I tried, it was impossible to sustain myself for even four days after the rent was paid. Now I could understand why so many were in the soup and bread lines and panhandled. My next stop was the special places like homes for the elderly. As I walked into the building, I could hear the screaming from down the hall. With a deep breath, I began to look around at the building, the staff, and most of all the residents. Considering I was disguised as a senior in search of a place, I was escorted through most of the building. The areas that weren’t shown to me were the bathing area, the storage room, and two long hallways with a strong odor of urine and feces. Half of the residents I did see were in bed with their middle strapped down to the bed. Those not in beds were tied in wheelchairs with tank top type garment that had straps for the limbs. A few were up and about walking, but some would turn in circles unable to determine their location, even more sadly, others had excrements sliding down their legs and leaving a trail. After leaving the Old Folks Home, I headed to the authorities only to be patronized, told I was crazy, and basically ignored. These people suffering in homes such as these are parents, grandparents, and great grandparents. My question, directed toward their relatives, is you truly caring for them or merely warehousing them until they die? Think about it and remember you too will one day reach this time of your life, what will your children do? 'CONSPIRACY THEORIES ' By: Jerry Fletcher So I says to the copper that he should stop lookin for prints and start lookin at the math. Now he says to me that math ain't got nuttin to do with it, but I knows better. The LAA has been makin headlines ever since that gal Kiss_This came out and set some terms for how business is to be run in LA, if you get my drift. LAA can be broken down to 12+12+1=25, 2+5=7. Kiss_This is 6. A million smacks, no matter how many times you add it, always comes back to one. What does a million bucks gotta do with it? LAA ain't the only thing adding up to seven. I guess someone Kiss_This thought she knew better thought they were one more than she was. Tragedy, it's all leadin to tragedy, but that ain't the real news. The numbers, they don't lie to you. You gotta wonder what GDU would want with a million smacks. He's a 4. Never trust a 4. But now Kiss_This is dead, and you gotta wonder...why? It ain't no secret that she and MadDog (an 8) had some words in the past, and he came right out and said that he had nuttin to do with it, and ain't it all a shame, and rest in peace, etc. She probably will, you know, rest in peace. Dames usually do, they leave with a bang, and then leave the cleanup for the men, am I right? Anyways, it occurs to me that 8 can be broken down into 4+4. And then I think, maybe I was on the wrong track. Maybe I got the wrong man. 8's are tricky. Lots of backroom deals, and always say something different in public than what they say in private. Sure, that 8 probably told a lot of people he had nothing to do with stuff that he had his little fingers all over, but math... The question really ain't about who killed Kiss_This, it ain't. The question is who armed BulletCirrhosis (a 1), and who pointed him at the dame? Maybe the same person? Crazy 8's in Vegas. I heard SonnenKinder (an 8...and that ain't a coincidence) plays BlackJack. You ever been to Vegas? I knew a girl once... 'DAHL HOUSE…ONE DOLL’S POINT OF VIEW ' A Commentary by BarbieDahl I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve walked down the street, laughing at all the wedding parties that I see. SoAndSo is getting married to WhateverTheHellHisNameIs. God, I pity these people, I really do. I don’t understand why anyone would want to get married. Yeah, it puts you in a better tax bracket…but so what. So. What. Is that cause for giving up your freedom and your sanity? I think not. I’d rather have a root canal without the Novocain. Serious. My entire family line has managed to avoid that trap, thank you very much. So, one day, I’m out with my best friend, when suddenly he drops to one knee, pulls out a little box, and says those words I longed to never hear…“Barbie, will you marry me?” Oh good God what is this man thinking? Does he not know me? Has he lost his mind? The poor misguided fool. I take his face in my hands, look him straight in the eyes, and try to brake this to him gently… “Yes, please” Holy shit…did that just come out of my mouth? What the hell was I thinking? I just agreed to marry this man. I need to take it back right away, kind of like the three second rule. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life, with my best friend. Doing things together, being there for each other. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. And then it hit me…I couldn’t have found a greater guy to spend the rest of my life with. I really can do this!!! My final thought…from now on…that’s Mrs Moran to you. 'GOODFELLAS CORNER ' 2nd Colloquium Hello everyone, once again it is your host, GoodFella here, ready to take you on another journey of enlightenment and spiritual wisdom with which to help guide your lives by. So let us not waste a moment’s breath and begin… Today’s lesson is about gaining reputation and rallying people behind a common cause. I see many ambitious Mafioso’s about, starting their own crews or even more ambitiously… beginning their own families. However, I do not believe that they have the correct guidance to help them achieve true success in this thing of ours. Many of them often think that recruiting and gaining more members than any other crew or family will determine their level of success or not. This is of course a fallacy, false consequences based off of false premises. The amount of people you rally to your “cause” does not always determine whether it will be a success or not. Sure, it can help you to empower yourself by making it appear you are above many men, but is that really success? No, I think not… Instead, one should concentrate on the quality of those whom he rallies to his cause. This is absolutely essential to making an impact on the community and all the meanwhile, gaining a reputation for not only being a powerful leader, but also a highly respected one. When recruiting for family members, one must not think of an actual recruitment policy. Think of it as a trust clause between each member. The family trusts the boss and his top guys to ensure security and fair and just leadership while the boss, trusts his family to remain ever loyal and obedient, almost as a father would love his children. So instead of asking around for men whom want to join, let them come to you. You are the boss, you are the one they have to impress, and you are the one whose trust is worth the most. My suggestion, and I strongly suggest it… would be to befriend and get to know anyone on a pretty fair level before even considering, putting them through the recruitment process. Every member of that family should be well known to the boss at the very least and should be able to interact and conduct business with the rest of the family on a successful level. This is the way of family, and of Mafia. Now once you have achieved your level of success on the recruitment of members into your family, you must have that common cause and goal to rally them behind you. If you can find this common ideal, goal, or cause, than your family will always love and obey you at the highest level of respect. With that said my friends, I wish you the best of luck, and my regards. 'LETTERS PAGE ' Dear Streets, I wouldn't call it an excommunication. It is more of an...alright, it was an excommunication. You dip into the family funds with just ONE BOSS and voila. They ship you overseas to pick grapes off the vines at the third cousin of the twice removed uncle of the family bookkeeper. Not even the regular bookkeeper. The backup that only ever comes out to the family offices when you are missing a receipt for the large ammunition purchase you made 8 months ago. Lessons have been learned. One. If you are going to steal funds directly from your family coffers, don't leave an "IOU Suckers" receipt. Two. If you do choose to leave such a receipt, don't sign it. Three. If you sign it, don't put forwarding addresses on it for your getaway in Cuba. Four. If you do put a forwarding address on it, don't also write on the note that you expect all monies owing to you from current jobs to be forwarded to you in lieu of two weeks pay. In retrospect, my plan could have used some tweaking. My return to the country was somewhat bittersweet. Papa Antonio "Schadenfreude" Forcini's 1919 Merlot not only failed to medal at the annual "Three Goats and a Pig" wine celebration, it bankrupted the winery with the subsequent embarrassment caused by a pine cask. Which, of course, bottomed out my stock options. The company healthcare plan evaporated, apparently he hadn't been paying premiums for a while, and I was shocked to find out that my last paycheque had bounced. Sheepishly, I made my way back from Italy on a tanker bound for Argentina, posing as a monk. My advice, to those who need to make such trips, is to wear comfortable shoes. Five inch red stilettos under a hastily stitched potato sack for 3 months just doesn't scream "comfortable". It is a shame Hushpuppies haven't been invented yet. I have received numerous letters here at the hotel from former associates, wishing me best in my career going forward. I'd like to thank them all for their well wishes, a few letters even made it to Italy! Apparently I DIDN'T need to leave a forwarding address to my Cuban home, mafia families are adequately prepared to find you regardless of white page listings. Who knew? I can be found at the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver, should anyone want to stop by for dinner. No wine. I don't do grapes anymore. Regards, Graceless 'GUIDANCE, WISDOM AND TRAUMA ' By Miguel Every issue, I will answer as many questions I can, submitted by you, the reader. Please mobmail me with your question(s) as often as you’d like. By contributing to my column, you are contributing to the ever-growing popularity of this fine newspaper. Dear Miguel, What is the most delightful of the seven deadly sins? Always, Eden Lacroix Dear Eden, Gluttony…cause I could eat a peach for hours. Signed, Miguel ********** Miguel, I’ve gotta ask, I've been around for a while, and have never really figured out what is so special about you? Under__Boss Dear Under, I’m like the red Smartie who gets eaten last. No one knows why, they just accept it…so I suggest you avoid disappointment, and conform. Signed, Miguel ********** Dear Miggypie, I seem to be a klutz. What's the best way to cover a body full of bruises? Sincerely, Satine Dear Satine, That’s a toughie. I imagine I could if I tried, but I can’t guarantee I’d be wearing any pants when I did. Signed, Miguel 'ANNOUNCEMENTS ' ENGAGEMENT Moran-Dahl Elliot and Ruth Handler-Dahl of Denver would like to announce the engagement of their only daughter, Barbie to Moran, only son of Mr and Mrs Lewis Moran of Melbourne, Australia. OBITUARY Constanzia_Corleone Los Vegas - Constanzia Corleone, died on Saturday December 31st from a gunshot wound inflicted by an unknown assailant. . She was born on September 29th in Corleone, Sicily the daughter of Don Merc and Mrs. Merc. Constanzia or Zia as she is affectionately called, attended primary school in Sicily, secondary classes in Italia and Sicily. She earned a Bachelor of Arts from Radcliff majoring in Journalism and a Bachelor of Science in Psychology majoring in Social Work. Early on, she worked with the local charities to assist the poor and council the troubled. Another favourite of hers was her Journalism. Most of the time, she worked freelance getting stories wherever she may find them, but when cash became tight, she had no problem being hired by a publication or to a publishing house as an editor for regular pay. Though she worked among mostly strangers, Zia remained close to her family at all times. Sunday was the one day the entire family gathered for Mass and Sunday dinner. The conversation around the dinner table usually sufficed in updating the family of each person’s life and path. Whenever she was needed for the family businesses, she dropped whatever she was working on and returned as quickly as she could to assist with the family matters. She helped in many of the business owned by her father and his associates helping to handle different business matters as well as learning from those in charge. The day of her shooting, she had finally managed to purchase a business and was working on collecting a gathering of assistance. She hadn’t even had a chance to inform her family of her good fortune. Like her predeceased sister, Zia enjoyed her volunteer work and news of her selfless heart and wondrous help spread all over the world. Her most favourite programs were the ones she started to help children. She spent a great deal of time working with the children, especially the children whose parents are unable to find or maintain work causing the family to be homeless and begging in the streets. Everyday, she looked forward to chatting with people on the street in hopes of educating and encouraging everyone she met. She is survived by her father Don Merc, her mother Mrs Merc both of Las Vegas, her sisters Stefania and Rosalie, both of Las Vegas. The Family is asking for all stories and information about Constanzia and her life be delivered to the church as soon as possible, so that all facets of her life can be shared during her Eulogy. Services will start with a family rosary and prayers at the family compound; a police escorted procession will bring her to St. Francis of Assisi on Wednesday, January 4th. Followed by her internment in the Family mausoleum in Nevada. The Family is requesting in lieu of flowers a donation be made to Constanzia, niece of the deceased to ensure that all of the charity works can be continued. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Announcing the launch of the weekly KittyLitter Lotto. This is a new and exciting Mafia venture for those who want to try their hand at a new way to make money. - Tickets cost $250 each - you can buy as many as you like - draw is at 6am each Friday For full rules and details see my advert in the streets or contact me direct. ANgryKitten LA's finest money handler. 02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:49, February 15, 2013 (UTC) 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '